Along with the related “do you know where your teenagers are?” and “I bet their parents are so proud…” this strikes fear into the heart of all parents of teens I am sure! (For the record – no, I don’t always know where mine are precisely and I am not sure our parents did either, and yes, I am really proud of both my children!)
Mumbler came into being when my children were very small, and I suspect there are now a great many of us with older kids who have grown with Mumbler as a source of guidance, support, friendship and solidarity. Becoming a mum can be challenging. Caring for a baby can be hard. Toddlers – don’t get me started! And the need for support and empathy, for ourselves and our kids, does not go away just because they got bigger. Mine are now 14 and 17, and the challenges are different but in many ways much harder. The stakes feel higher. I’m sure many of us will recall having lots of great ideas about how we were going to parent before we had our babies, and many of us spent the early years unlearning and relearning what it means to be a parent, finding that our best laid plans didn’t work for our little one, or did not yield quite the results we were hoping for! We quickly grew weary of the judgement of others when our babies cried, our toddlers tantrumed, and our small people hadn’t yet learned to conform to societal expectations.
It seems this pattern repeats as they become teens. As our children grow, we gain in confidence, we get to know them. We bury our heads in the sand about the teenage years. Surely it won’t be that bad. And guess what, in many ways it really isn’t! They become interesting. They’re great company and so are their friends. They introduce you to new ideas, new music, new styles. You don’t have to go to soft play or loud messy parties any more and you get some time back as they become more independent.
But that independence comes with challenges. They are choosing and maintaining friendships and developing romantic and sexual relationships. They are learning what society expects of them – some of which is quite unreasonable and as with younger children we often hold them up to standards of behaviour some adults struggle with. Their brains and bodies are developing and changing at a terrifying rate and they are dealing with the pressures of home, school, friendships, social media and a long pandemic hangover. Mental health among teenagers is at crisis point. They can appear intimidating but are often intimidated, and if you stop to talk to them, you will likely find an articulate young person underneath the pulled-up hood! They need places to go where they can be themselves, hang out with their friends, free from the constant judgement of others.
Things haven’t improved much in this respect since I was a teenager. They still have very few places it’s safe and acceptable for them to hang out. No-one would dispute that teenagers need to learn to behave in a socially acceptable way in public, and I expect my teenagers to behave with awareness of those around them. I also like them to be out of the house socialising and being active, not in their rooms on their phones all the time – something people are very quick to judge this generation of teens for.
I feel quite strongly that there needs to be some room for a conversation and reflection on spaces for teenagers versus spaces for smaller children. Are teenagers entitled to spaces where they do not have to moderate their behaviour to accommodate the needs of very much younger children? There are a lot of public spaces provided for very small children, and I very much appreciated all of these when my children were younger. I don’t think it’s appropriate for teenagers to be playing on equipment in playgrounds designed for little ones, but I do think we need to consider that teens need their own spaces where it might be less appropriate for there to be younger children – skateparks, basketball courts and so on.
Teenagers, and their parents, also need some grace and empathy. Being a teenager is hard. Parenting a teenager is hard. They make mistakes – as I am sure we all did if we are completely honest. If your children are not teenagers yet – know that they too will make mistakes, you will not always know where they are and you will not be able to control what they are doing. This will be replaced by conversations where you hope they listen; helping them pick up the pieces when it all goes wrong; encouraging them to seek out positive role models. Know that we DO care where they are and what they are doing. But they are now their own people and they will make mistakes. They need to make mistakes to learn. If you see them acting out, feel free to correct them gently – they may just need a reminder!
I’m hoping we can start as a community to think about our role in supporting teens and their families and I’d really welcome any comments and questions!
About the author
Alison Goodwin Alison is a highly respected teacher of pregnancy and post-natalyoga teacher in York.
Now that her children are older, she works full time as an HR Manager and spends her spare time providing a taxi service to her own teenagers Joe and Tessa, aged 17 and 14.
Many thanks to both Alison & York Mumbler for letting us use this article.
